I understand, I completely do. But here me out just this once, when you are in university. You have a sense of purpose, you have a target. Something substantial something right in your face, when you wake up you look at the calendar and go like fuck three months till the semester ends. I never said that goal was something you liked or you were looking forward to, but it does give you a sense of purpose. When you graduate, things change for better and for worse. You come home from your 9-5 job, and you have that free time, you don’t have to worry about projects or deadlines after you’ve left the office. But at the same time, somehow that’s something you start missing. There is a deadline there is a purpose but the one that you have defined. There is no teacher grading your papers, no tomorrow is the last chance to submit your assignments, there is freedom. This freedom makes you feel old very soon.
Your friends start to get engaged, married or move out of the state. You still hang out on the weekends and you talk about your weekend, some of you find your hair, well let’s say you’re getting bald, and some turn gray. And one day it snaps and you know that you’re getting old. That’s an awful realization for anyone I’d say. But it happens to the best of us. It has happened to me a little while ago. But, here is the thing; here is the bit that puts the puzzle together. YOU, yes I did write that in all caps.
You are the one that still makes me feel young somehow. You, still make my heart skip a beat. I still feel like a silly fool when I’m with you. I still smile and try to impress you like a teenager. I talk too fast, and too much. I get loud and frantic, and I pace around the room when I’m talking to you. Trust me, I’m not that youthful on the best of spring days. What is that word, yes ‘alive’ I feel alive when I am with you. Yes, yes, I know all about it and I don’t expect anything. I’ve planned my life too much, I’ve always worked for that goal and I got it. I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to think about the future or how it’s going to end. I don’t care about the end, it somehow doesn’t matter anymore, ‘the end’. I just want to live this day, this day which is today . Not even this day this moment right here where I am , with what I’m doing. Cherishing and enjoying this soothing moment jumbled up in joy, wonder and a little sweat. I want to live here, not the previous moment not the next. Nor, do I want to waste this precious moment for the worry of the next. This is, this is now this is where I am, where I want to be. With you.
I cannot afford to waste this today, on what may or may not happen in the future. Worrying about who may or may not get hurt or what happens. This is my moment and nothing can take it away from me, not even you. I cannot any longer jump around with my measuring tape of rationality or my notepad of pros and cons. Or that special three column gadget we take out on special occasions like that. I don’t, I don’t want to rationalize what is what is not. I just want to feel this moment with you and that is all there is to it, I want to feel that skipping heart, that smile and that look on your face, God that look on your face, your face. I want to live in the time we spend together, talk, chat or text even. Not the time that we won’t be doing all those things.
Rationalizations, have let me to where I am today. With sticky notes, lots of columns, and things to do lists. Grey hair, the stupid gray hair. More, diaries will be filled, more sticky notes on the desk, more pencil columns, this will never end. Let’s just stop this today, and live. Let’s live, for now at least.